Pam: Life and Chili’s Ban Update

Hey Everyone!

Wow, it’s been a while, huh? I can’t believe you all are still interested in getting updates! Well, The Halperts are doing great! We settled into a beautiful home in Austin, Tx. It’s a bit of a commute for Jim, but he’s the one who insisted. It has a terrace outside of the master bedroom and I planted flowers out there, just like I always wanted. Jim never forgets a thing. And the schools are great for Cece and Phillip, too. They’re far superior to Dwight’s “Sesame Avenue Daycare Center For Infants And Toddlers”. But, that was probably a given.

I pretty much spent the last few years doing the mommy thing. But, with the kids in school full time now and Jim so busy with Athlead, I’ve been wanting to get back to pursuing my own passions. So I updated my sad, little resume and prayed “Hostess at the Banshee Pub”, “Receptionist at Dunder Mifflin”, and Art School dropout would show I’m qualified for my dream career as an artist. Fortunately, a mom friend from the kids’ school has a younger sister who is an accomplished children’s book author and she mentioned she was looking for an artist to illustrate her new book! Because the story is set here, the author’s hometown, she was looking for a local artist. I, of course, was intimidated. I did fail art school, after all, and remember when Gill called my work “Motel Art”? But I am years beyond that now. So I faced my fears and asked if she would pass along my contact information. And she called to ask if we could meet for lunch! There was only one problem, though. She asked if I could meet her at Chili’s.

I didn’t want to explain why that wasn’t a possibility. Of course it’s a silly story but she’s a professional! And I’m hoping she will hire me. So, I agreed. You might think, it’s been years! They’ll never even know. Well, Jim and I went there recently for Happy Hour and I don’t want to brag but I guess I look pretty young and they asked for my license and… we were asked to leave. I figured the only way to put this second drink mess behind me was to call Chili’s directly and ask for mercy.

The man I spoke with was… tightly wound. Like, Angela planning a party uptight. I’m just happy he didn’t ask if I was wearing a whorish orange shirt. He explained they take these types of indiscretions very seriously and then he asked if I ever sought help for my addiction. Apparently, laughing and saying, “No! I don’t have an alcohol addiction!” was the wrong response. He demanded I seek help and provide proof of said help and only then would he delete my license xerox from their systems. Fine, but I wasn’t going to attend an AA meeting in this area where someone we know from the kids’ school might see me. Also I…might know someone who runs an AA meeting back home. So, I booked a flight back to Scranton.

Jim has been having a great time with this, by the way. He thinks it’s hilarious. He keeps referring to it as my “Oopsie Dundies” because the night I got banned was the night of the Dundies. I know. I also told him it wasn’t funny.

The meeting was held in a warehouse that was up for rent in Scranton’s Business Park. It was weird being back there without Jim. I almost cried as I pulled into the parking lot. There have been so many moments in just this parking lot alone, good and not so good. Remember when I smacked Michael? He deserved it, though. How much fun was Toby’s going away party? Remember Jim and Dwight’s snowball fight? I’d love to go back and relive just one day again. I sometimes wish life worked like that.

I felt very out of place walking in. I felt very “middle-class fraud” like Ryan would say or something. But it was good to see a familiar face. You might be happy to hear that Meredith has not only been sober for the last 5 years but she started a 12-step program as a way of repaying what she calls “years of double penetrating society”. The official name for the program is “Extinguished Hair of the Dog Fire”. I found this out while reading the letter Meredith wrote for me to submit to Chili’s.

She looks great, healthy, and well-rested. Though, she did ask if I wanted to join her and her son Jake for dinner at Outback Steakhouse after because she had gift certificates. My face must have looked horrified because she laughed and explained that fans of the documentary send them to her all the time. And she’s learned to laugh at herself.

Not everything about her is different, though. She’s just as frank and sharp-tongued as ever. Jake dropped the chocolate cake and coffee meant for the attendees on the dirty warehouse floor and instantly the old Meredith was right in front of me. “Jesus, Jake!” She turned to me. “Clumsy ass kids! And you have two of these! I bet you hate being a mom. Of course, you do! Look at you. You’re clearly drinking, sneaking away from Jim and the kids, coming to an AA meeting. Are you banging Roy again!?”

I was about to defend myself when I saw a sad, gaunt face walk in. “Toby!”, Meredith said. “It’s good to see you came back again, man!” Toby half smiled at her, not noticing me, and he took a seat. “He’s been coming a few times a month”, Meredith whispered to me. It made me so sad. Toby had given up? Turned to the drink? What about his daughter, Sasha?? I took a seat next to him. “Toby?”, I asked. He looked over and his face lit up. “PAM!”, he screamed. The room went quiet. “I LO-.. I mean, it’s so good to see you!” We stood to hug. I’m using the word ‘hug’ loosely here. It was more of a ‘hold’. “Guess you finally left Jim, then?! Did you move back to Scranton?? How long have you been here? Oh, God! Are you drinking?? Is it because of Jim??” We sat down. “No, no!”, I explained. “Jim and I are great. This is so silly, I’m here to try to get myself unbanned from Chili’s.” He looked sad again. “But, you… you’re… why are you here?”, I asked. “I’m doing research for my new Chad Flenderman novel. See, he’s struggling with the loss of his wife and…” Meredith interrupted, “Oh please! No one cares about your sex-crazed detective, Toby. I know you probably think I’m not supporting you like I should because I am your AA mentor, but I gotta say, man. Drop the nonsense with these novels. This Chad sounds like a real pussy.” She walked away. “She doesn’t know I’m undercover”, Toby whispered, smirking.

Now, I’ve never been to an AA meeting. But, I don’t think it went as one normally does. The group seemed very familiar with each other. They spent a lot of time talking about events that take place at Outback, after the meetings, where, it seems, the real therapy takes place. And, it was becoming clear that Meredith may have had past intimate relations with some of the attendees, both men and women, possibly at the same time. After, Toby asked if I wanted to join them at Outback but I declined. It was getting late and I had to be up early for my flight home. As we were walking out to my car we heard what sounded like several garbage cans falling over. Was there a porcupine nearby? Henrietta? HA! No, it was…. Creed? I just kept walking.

I’m happy to report that Chili’s finally and officially has lifted the ban! Thanks to Meredith Palmer, Ph.D, and her well-written character reference, I am now a patron once again in good standing! And that feels… ugh. And I got the illustrator job! I believe it was this familiar drawing that sealed the deal. She loved my watercolor.

And, I just submitted my last illustration! The book is being printed and is expected to deliver sometime next year. It’s called, “Frank, Don’t Be Fooled by Magic Beans”. And here is one of the illustrations I created for it. 😉