Stanley Hudson’s New Year Resolution
Pam asked us all what our New Year Resolutions are and I decided to work on being a better husband and boyfriend. Having been dumped by Lydia, I had to find a new girlfriend to fulfill my resolution. This virus has the world on lockdown, which normally I would enjoy. I live for my long baths, mystery stories, red wine, and long walks on the treadmill, but it limits my exposure to the ladies. So, I resorted to Match.
Before long, I matched with Sasha*. We started messaging. She told me she has a family secret meatball recipe so I immediately gave her my cell phone number, well, my secret cell phone number. I wanted to get my hands on these meatballs, among other things, but with this damn COVID! I had to find a location and an excuse to leave the house. I told Teri I wanted to get back in shape, for her. That’s the trick. Always make them think you’re doing them a favor. And I asked Sasha to meet me for a hike. Teri hates hikes. I also hate hikes but they have benches by the parking lot and a snack stand.
I met Sasha at the trailhead after work, and she was as cute as her profile pictures. We began our “hike”. (We pretty much just sat there drinking diet sodas.) Cute, she was, but boring! She must be related to Toby. Finding out she works as an HR rep made the connection too real for comfort. It became clear quickly that we didn’t have anything in common. I can normally work with this as long as the package looks right and the sexual chemistry is there. I don’t really need someone to balance me out emotionally. I am very in touch with all of my emotions, especially anger. And, realizing she didn’t bring me any meatballs, I was finding my anger rising to the surface. But my doctor said if I can’t find a way to relate more positively to my surroundings then I’m going to die. Taking in the relaxing view, I decided it was best to thank her for her time and tell her I would call her later. I’m not gonna call her.
We parted ways with an air hug, and that was that. I guess it’s on to the next potential girlfriend. Maybe one that makes pretzels.
*Names in this post have been changed to protect their privacy and safety in case Teri ever reads this.
